Man Child

I'm writing to you knowing you won't read this, I know no one will read this and those who will it doesn't matter because you don't know who I am. Truth is I don't know who I am most of the time...am I the girl who enjoys alternative music and is into art, thinking about how I should have been born in another decade, or am I the girl who enjoys a good party and getting stoned, trying different drugs and drinking just a little too much. I don't know who I am, I've tried to be everything other people have wanted, the cool little sister, the educated younger girlfriend, the perfect child I've tried to juggle them all but none feel right. I may not be smart or pretty enough, I don't think I am enough for anyone else, and last night while laying in your bed I realized I'm not. I'm not trying to replace Ena or be better than her, she beautiful and there was something about her that attracted you to her for so long. But hearing the words come out of your mouth, it cut deeper than any of the self inflicted wounds I have given myself. The insecurities, feeling like I'm not good enough, feeling intimidated you reaffirmed those, in a moment I needed some sort of comfort you did exactly the opposite. I'm making excuses for how you made me feel knowing there are none to justify what you said. I'm wasting my time, I know damn well you and I would never work, I know my family would never accept you as they accepted Andrew. You have no goals and your life is here doing the same thing that everyone else in this boring town does. No skills and no desire to improve yourself, you're a thirty year old man with the maturity of a twenty one year old. I can't help but understand why she left, truth is that will probably be the same reason I go. I have a fear of commitment, insecurities and self esteem issues that no one can make better, they are part of who I am. I matured to fast and lack interest in the things you do. I don't know how to explain how unattractive you were this past weekend, you were absurdly drunk and that is something I can't deal with. Having an alcoholic boyfriend or whatever we were. I hung around because there was no one else or anything else to do. You require something I can't give you, this constant need for affirmation that I want you, when I really don't. I've known you since I was a teenager and maybe it was just this curiosity of wondering what would have been at that time that brought me around to you. You lack the ambition I look for, you find comfort in knowing where you are and that things will never change. I crave adventure and going towards the unknown even though the controlling part of me struggles with it. We began to drift apart, I had no sexual interest in you from the beginning which is surprising to me since that is a big part of the relationship, I blamed it on the medication knowing damn well it was you. You went away for the weekend, you came back hungover and still drinking after a weekend bender, sloppy and reeking of stale beer you tried to have sex when my body language said otherwise. You told me about the weekend and how you showed the boys your ex girlfriends naked pictures to everyone who would look. I was heart broken, how could someone do something so disgusting? Regardless of what she did, how she treated you, you should have been the bigger person. I realized I wanted nothing to do with you after that point, even our friendship is strained. You saw me at a bar with another guy and decided to "warn" me, but who was there to warn me about you? The new guy maybe a snake, or a wolf, he may be the biggest player and just be using me but he isn't hiding the things he's done, you were a snake in the grass, unsuspecting. I don't need to be warned about those who show who they are, it's the guys like you who gain someone's trust and the moment they feel betrayed lash out. Grow up Nathan, get your life together, because I promise you, between Ena and I, you've lost two of the best people you could have ever had.