Mirror

My insecurities prevent me from many things. I dislike how I look and at the same time I find that in the moments that I put effort in looking presentable I look cute. I've always felt awkward, I have the face of a 16/17 year old but mortified by what girls wear these days. To each their own of course, but I don't think I could walk around with my ass hanging out of my shorts or my midriff showing. I can't exactly say what has made me so self conscious about how I look but I know part of it has to be the relationship I've had with my dad. It has been rough to say the least. As a child I was so attached and such a daddy's girl that looking back it saddens me that we've grown so distant. At a time when a girls self esteem is at it's most fragile my father was not the kindest with his words. I believe what he says about me even though it may not be completely true I still do. What started as low self esteem might have escalated into some serious anxiety. I'm having panic attacks more often. I break down almost daily, I have no escape I feel like a complete failure. What my father thinks and has said about me is coming true and I don't know how much more I can take before I completely break down. Its been a long 22 years and I'm not even close to where I wish and should be. I stay up at night wondering what I should do with school and life in general. All I know is that my ex is the only person I can openly talk to about my problems without having to much judgement. Though sometimes even with him I can't say what I really feel or think. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin and when I tell people I'm insecure of course I get the " I don't see why you're cute" or "You are so thin and young you have nothing to be self conscious about". We forget that building self confidence is more difficult than destroying it. It's harder to believe that you are beautiful on the outside as well on the inside when women are made to believe that being a size 0 is beautiful or that being muscular and in shape is gorgeous. We have programed ourselves to believe that what ever the trend may be that is what we need to do in order to beautiful. Rarely do you find a person with self confidence that is true, and by that I mean they don't put themselves down in private, they don't make jokes about being a piece of shit or have to tell the world how awesome they are. That is not confidence that is just hoping that if you say it enough times you will one day believe it. I haven't found a way to love myself or even like myself and maybe I won't maybe I should just be content with not trying to harm myself.