Man Child

I'm writing to you knowing you won't read this, I know no one will read this and those who will it doesn't matter because you don't know who I am. Truth is I don't know who I am most of the time...am I the girl who enjoys alternative music and is into art, thinking about how I should have been born in another decade, or am I the girl who enjoys a good party and getting stoned, trying different drugs and drinking just a little too much. I don't know who I am, I've tried to be everything other people have wanted, the cool little sister, the educated younger girlfriend, the perfect child I've tried to juggle them all but none feel right. I may not be smart or pretty enough, I don't think I am enough for anyone else, and last night while laying in your bed I realized I'm not. I'm not trying to replace Ena or be better than her, she beautiful and there was something about her that attracted you to her for so long. But hearing the words come out of your mouth, it cut deeper than any of the self inflicted wounds I have given myself. The insecurities, feeling like I'm not good enough, feeling intimidated you reaffirmed those, in a moment I needed some sort of comfort you did exactly the opposite. I'm making excuses for how you made me feel knowing there are none to justify what you said. I'm wasting my time, I know damn well you and I would never work, I know my family would never accept you as they accepted Andrew. You have no goals and your life is here doing the same thing that everyone else in this boring town does. No skills and no desire to improve yourself, you're a thirty year old man with the maturity of a twenty one year old. I can't help but understand why she left, truth is that will probably be the same reason I go. I have a fear of commitment, insecurities and self esteem issues that no one can make better, they are part of who I am. I matured to fast and lack interest in the things you do. I don't know how to explain how unattractive you were this past weekend, you were absurdly drunk and that is something I can't deal with. Having an alcoholic boyfriend or whatever we were. I hung around because there was no one else or anything else to do. You require something I can't give you, this constant need for affirmation that I want you, when I really don't. I've known you since I was a teenager and maybe it was just this curiosity of wondering what would have been at that time that brought me around to you. You lack the ambition I look for, you find comfort in knowing where you are and that things will never change. I crave adventure and going towards the unknown even though the controlling part of me struggles with it. We began to drift apart, I had no sexual interest in you from the beginning which is surprising to me since that is a big part of the relationship, I blamed it on the medication knowing damn well it was you. You went away for the weekend, you came back hungover and still drinking after a weekend bender, sloppy and reeking of stale beer you tried to have sex when my body language said otherwise. You told me about the weekend and how you showed the boys your ex girlfriends naked pictures to everyone who would look. I was heart broken, how could someone do something so disgusting? Regardless of what she did, how she treated you, you should have been the bigger person. I realized I wanted nothing to do with you after that point, even our friendship is strained. You saw me at a bar with another guy and decided to "warn" me, but who was there to warn me about you? The new guy maybe a snake, or a wolf, he may be the biggest player and just be using me but he isn't hiding the things he's done, you were a snake in the grass, unsuspecting. I don't need to be warned about those who show who they are, it's the guys like you who gain someone's trust and the moment they feel betrayed lash out. Grow up Nathan, get your life together, because I promise you, between Ena and I, you've lost two of the best people you could have ever had.

To the boys I have slept with,

 To the boy who took my virginity, to the boy who helped me cheat, to the boy that distracted me from my life, to the boy who made me feel worthless, to the boy who cared to much, to the boy who lead me on, to the boy who filled the void, to the boy who reminds me how weak I am. I have slept with eight guys, but only two were actual relationships. I have used sex as an outlet to feel wanted, to distract myself from the chaos around me, to avoid all my feelings. Only one of the boys knows I don't feel a thing physically and emotionally. I don't get a sense of gratification from having intercourse nor do I feel emotionally connected. I see it as a normal everyday act, like riding a bike or going to work. I don't have to love you or even like you, you don't need to know my deepest darkest secrets or even my last name. I don't care if I will ever see you again or work with you the next day. It has no meaning to me, and maybe that's a problem. I lack the ability to find a special meaning in something that to me holds no value. I have made reckless decisions as to who I sleep with but feel no remorse or concern.

   To the boy who took my virginity, I don't regret losing it to you as you were probably my most selfless lover. I regret not having the same emotional connection you did, I regret not being able to say that I was in love or that I couldn't stay faithful to just you. I have twisted the pureness of your love to fit my twisted and ill ways. The mistakes I made while being together were all my fault, and though I placed blame on you you should've never accepted it being your fault. I am a manipulative, insecure, and confused person. I don't know a healthy relationship from a bad one, I don't know how to treat others let alone know how others should treat me. I use physical affection to numb the fact that I'm not happy with myself. I take beautiful things and twist them into something unrecognizable. I am damaged to a point that I don't believe I can be repaired, there are these wounds that I was hoping you would help heal but reality is I keep reopening them and hurting myself. I don't know how to stop I don't know if I even want to. I self sabotage every relationship I have, my family, friends and significant others, I tried so hard to keep you away from all of that and I failed. I don't think I could ever forgive myself for changing someone with a beautiful heart into someone cold and uncaring. I made you the unaffectionate person that you have become, I am the toxic spill in your ocean of a life. I made you go through things a person should never go through, worries about my suicidal tendencies, family problems, lashing out, self hate and unnecessary arguments. I made you question your self worth and even compromise the one thing I had vowed not to do, you stayed after I cheated. You've stayed through all the fights, depression, my indiscretions, you've been an amazing boyfriends and an even better friend. I will go the rest of my life trying to be that good of a person, because through all the fucked up fights, my insane thought process, and horrible personality you love me, and I have always and will always love you. I just don't know how to stop self sabotaging. I think back to that afternoon, you were so sweet and caring, trying to make me feel comfortable and trying not to hurt me. I was this fragile thing to you, you held me so delicately. I don't think I was ready, but it still happened, and I don't want to lie and say I didn't try to stop it.
   I often wonder if I had waited until I fell in love with you would that have changed the choices I've made? Would I only sleep with people I care about or feel deeply about, or would I still hold sex as something meaningless. I can't go back and change what happened, and even if I could I don' think I would, because although I may not be proud of the people I have slept it happened and I'm not ashamed of it. The amount of partners I've had doesn't matter, I am comfortable with my sexuality enough to not care what others who don't matter think. It's my family's, it's Andrew's, it's Nate's, it's the people I let matter whose opinion mean something.

I may have just hit a new low, aside from cheating while in a relationship, using people just to pass time and of course my favorite leading people on, I have done the one thing I didn't think I would, I am involved with a married man. Yes, I have somehow manage to take a good man who loves his girls and family and never once thought about betraying his marriage, betray it. It started as a simple work crush knowing damn well nothing would ever happen, or so I though. As luck would have it the feelings were mutual and rather than putting distance between us I wanted to get closer, I wanted to tempt him because of course I'm a horrible person. Slowly but surely little comments were being made, things that once seemed innocent had now felt like the biggest form of betrayal, now only for his wife and daughters but also for Drew. As much as I can complain about him, as difficult our situation is and now matter how much I can't stand the lack of planning  I still love him. I love him completely and that is something that may never go away, how could it if I feel utterly safe in his arms, I don't feel out of place, he is my home.  As much as I want to say that I won't continue to pursue the married man that is a lie because right now all I want is to feel wanted to feel like I matter to someone I want to feel like I have value. So is it wrong that I'm seeking attention from someone who shouldn't be giving me any? How wrong is it that he is getting a divorce, not because of me but because he's unhappy and I gave him a reason to believe he could be happy again. As much as I want to reciprocate feelings for him I find it difficult, how can I if I will never completely let go of Drew, that door will remain open until forever. I'm not saying I don't have feelings for the married man, I do, he's sweet and caring, and quiet possibly everything a woman would want in a man, so why am I finding excuses to not continue, why do I force myself not to feel, I'm keeping my distance and I don't know why. I mean I do know why I stay away, he's married, with two beautiful little girls who have done nothing wrong. I did think for a split second that there was some possibility for us, that by some crazy chain of events, we had a chance. Was I wrong? Completely. Was I hurt? Most definitely. Did I deserve it? Probably. I am in no way trying to justify my actions, I did wrong in getting physically involved but the kisses and the hugs weren't what hurt the most. It was getting to know me and taking an interest then disappearing. I have an awful fear of abandonment, and I knew the moment I closed the door to his car it was over. The storm that night wasn't the only thing causing damage.