Empty Shell

Throughout my life I have always felt like I was beneath my siblings and cousins. I was the sister who had a father, but not just any father, I had the abusive, alcoholic, aggressive father that no one liked. As a child I was a daddy's girl, I followed him every where and though I had to watch and listen to every fight I still thought my dad was the best. I didn't understand my siblings dislike for my father, but I also didn't know that all the fights and aggression was not normal. My extended family didn't particularly care for my dad, and I often remember hearing my aunts or uncles tell my dad in a judgmental tone that I would be the worst of the bunch. I was suppose to be this uncontrollable, spoiled brat. I often look at myself and believe the worst  of myself, I try not to depend on my family because I have already had more help than my siblings have. I don't ask for much and usually I don't ask at all, my family is kept in the dark with my financial problems or just problems in general. This past December I caved and went to my doctor, I finally told someone that I had been depressed for what seemed like an eternity. The only people that knew were my boyfriend/ best friend and my mother. I chose not to tell my dad or my siblings for numerous reason, one being I didn't know how to actually explain what was going on with me. I didn't know how I was suppose to say that I felt hopeless and empty all the time, that I didn't know who I really was because I change who I am depending who I'm around. How do I explain to my family that I have suicidal thoughts most everyday/ I didn't know how or if I even wanted them to know. but that wasn't my choice. In a heated discussion with my dad my mother shouted at him that he was partly the reason why I struggled with depression and anxiety, she would also go on to inform my bothers and sister. I felt so vulnerable, I was incredibly uncomfortable and the more I tired to explain how I felt the more they tried putting words in my mouth. I often think it was a mistake to try and fix these issues, reality I'm more scared of not knowing who I will become  rather than always having that empty feeling. I know who I am when I am depressed or anxious, I try to block it and not affect me but I was silly enough to believe that maybe with treatment I would become someone I'd like. Truth is I don't like who I was but I despise who I am becoming. I feel empty, no sense of adventure or will to be friend anyone I still don't have self value and I still get anxious, I didn't realize how long it would take for me to be okay, now I just want to run back to who I used to be. I've lost whatever little control I felt like I had in my life, my relationship is falling apart, I start to think that maybe I don't want a relationship with my siblings not a close one at least. What do you do when you realize all you are doing now is just existing, when you no longer have a facade to put on. Right now I'm just going through the motions of what I probably should be doing, I've lost interest in everything I'm just an empty shell now and I don't think there is a way to come back from that.