Waiting game

Dating is difficult, or it is when you have social anxiety and you're basically a hermit crab. I am both of those. I am a homebody, I find it extremely difficult to approach people or make friends. Have I always been this way? Yes as far as I can remember most of the friends I have made were because they approached me. Dating has been the same, I don't initiate and though it may sometimes seem like I am being flirtatious in reality I have no idea what I am doing. I was in a relationship for almost four years, four years of trying to build a relationship with someone that actually meant something. I told him most all of my secrets and my fears, but as I would soon find out I  give more than I receive. That has basically been the issue with most relationships I've had, that feeling of doing to much and not receiving enough. I made the dinner plans, I made the plans for the trips, I was the one who talked about the future. Andrew was just along for the ride it seemed, and after Andrew I admit I did not date any smarter than when I was in high school. I dated a co worker who turned out to be an alcoholic with deep rooted issues he never wanted to deal with. I took it upon myself to try and be the person he could turn to and for a while he did. Just as things seemed to come together for him I was no longer needed. The text messages stop, the calls no longer existed and our relationship was over. I spent a while thinking I had done something wrong, fixating on what I did to drive him away. Maybe I was to clingy or maybe I just wasn't enough. After Andrew decided to  move home and I stayed behind we tried the long distance thing but inevitably that came to an end. We decided that this year or what ever time we would be apart would be good for us to see other people and truly figure out if being with each other is what we want. I started dating a guy I met at the gym I go to, and the weirdest thing happen I connected with him. We had similar likes and dislikes, I could actually hold a conversation with him he had well thought out opinions and there was something about how affectionate he was that didn't make me uncomfortable. As fate would have it he was moving away at the beginning of summer and though there was interest I was content with how things were going to end. It was going to be this month or two of just "honeymoon" phase. This sweet summer fling, that I could look back and think that not all of my relationships were failures. I began to have a deep like for him, and I refuse to say that I loved him because through all of this I still love Andrew. As the weeks passed by the interest on his end began to diminish, I being one of those people who rarely connects or finds someone interesting, was still in this state of awe. I was smitten with him, he was different in ways I enjoyed. I took things slow or what I considered slow, I didn't sleep with him until about three weeks after we started talking, and though that may seem fast to some to me it was slow. It was awkward and different but I didn't feel insecure I didn't feel self conscious. I genuinely believed that he found me attractive, I though this would be a sweet "love". As I would find out that wasn't the case, the text messages stopped, the snapchats were no longer being responded to and the attempts to make plans fell through every time. I felt rejection in a way that wasn't really rejection, it was a loss of interest. I no longer held this sense of amazement, I was just another girl. Of course I still see him when I go to work out and its actually upsetting getting treated as if I'm just another person. But things changed and honestly I wish they hadn't, he walked up to me and made it seem as if nothing had happen. I know I shouldn't have given him the time of day I know I should have heard him out and walked away. But that isn't what happened I was desperate for attention and someone to be able to turn to so I stayed. Now as the weeks have gone by I regret my decision, and as each therapy session goes on I realize that I hold on to things that can't be. I force things to be that aren't meant to be. I give everything I have in every relationship because I can't handle the idea that maybe it was my fault. So now I have been in my head which is never a good place to be for me, thinking about if what I have with Drew is still love or just some sort of habit. Though  I believe that my feelings for Drew are sincere, I often find myself doubting whether his are for me. Have I just become a safety net for him? Does he even want me anymore as a significant other or just someone who will be there.Am I just someone he knows will always be there, I've waited for so long that I don't know if I should walk away because I think maybe I deserve better or just stay because I truly love him. The idea of a commitment is no longer what he wants, all I've ever felt like I've done is wait and now I have to wait even longer just because he feels like it. I don't know how much longer I can or even should wait, sometimes I wish he would see that I won't be here forever. I feel like I have no value in his life anymore, am I just dispensable.Why all of a sudden does the idea of commitment scare him, if you both want to be together what difference does the distance and time have to do with it.He's okay with how we are does that mean he's okay with an open relationship? Not having any actual commitment to me? I sometimes I want to pull away because I don't feel like I am loved or even desired anymore, I understand being selfish while going to school but after almost 5 years sometimes its just to much. I've waited for him to open up and to be who he is with me, I've waited for him to go to school, I've looked past the constant lies I don't know how much more I need to go through to get one thing. There should be no reason reason of him not wanting to commit if he truly does love me...so does that mean I should leave?

Empty Shell

Throughout my life I have always felt like I was beneath my siblings and cousins. I was the sister who had a father, but not just any father, I had the abusive, alcoholic, aggressive father that no one liked. As a child I was a daddy's girl, I followed him every where and though I had to watch and listen to every fight I still thought my dad was the best. I didn't understand my siblings dislike for my father, but I also didn't know that all the fights and aggression was not normal. My extended family didn't particularly care for my dad, and I often remember hearing my aunts or uncles tell my dad in a judgmental tone that I would be the worst of the bunch. I was suppose to be this uncontrollable, spoiled brat. I often look at myself and believe the worst  of myself, I try not to depend on my family because I have already had more help than my siblings have. I don't ask for much and usually I don't ask at all, my family is kept in the dark with my financial problems or just problems in general. This past December I caved and went to my doctor, I finally told someone that I had been depressed for what seemed like an eternity. The only people that knew were my boyfriend/ best friend and my mother. I chose not to tell my dad or my siblings for numerous reason, one being I didn't know how to actually explain what was going on with me. I didn't know how I was suppose to say that I felt hopeless and empty all the time, that I didn't know who I really was because I change who I am depending who I'm around. How do I explain to my family that I have suicidal thoughts most everyday/ I didn't know how or if I even wanted them to know. but that wasn't my choice. In a heated discussion with my dad my mother shouted at him that he was partly the reason why I struggled with depression and anxiety, she would also go on to inform my bothers and sister. I felt so vulnerable, I was incredibly uncomfortable and the more I tired to explain how I felt the more they tried putting words in my mouth. I often think it was a mistake to try and fix these issues, reality I'm more scared of not knowing who I will become  rather than always having that empty feeling. I know who I am when I am depressed or anxious, I try to block it and not affect me but I was silly enough to believe that maybe with treatment I would become someone I'd like. Truth is I don't like who I was but I despise who I am becoming. I feel empty, no sense of adventure or will to be friend anyone I still don't have self value and I still get anxious, I didn't realize how long it would take for me to be okay, now I just want to run back to who I used to be. I've lost whatever little control I felt like I had in my life, my relationship is falling apart, I start to think that maybe I don't want a relationship with my siblings not a close one at least. What do you do when you realize all you are doing now is just existing, when you no longer have a facade to put on. Right now I'm just going through the motions of what I probably should be doing, I've lost interest in everything I'm just an empty shell now and I don't think there is a way to come back from that.

Mirror

My insecurities prevent me from many things. I dislike how I look and at the same time I find that in the moments that I put effort in looking presentable I look cute. I've always felt awkward, I have the face of a 16/17 year old but mortified by what girls wear these days. To each their own of course, but I don't think I could walk around with my ass hanging out of my shorts or my midriff showing. I can't exactly say what has made me so self conscious about how I look but I know part of it has to be the relationship I've had with my dad. It has been rough to say the least. As a child I was so attached and such a daddy's girl that looking back it saddens me that we've grown so distant. At a time when a girls self esteem is at it's most fragile my father was not the kindest with his words. I believe what he says about me even though it may not be completely true I still do. What started as low self esteem might have escalated into some serious anxiety. I'm having panic attacks more often. I break down almost daily, I have no escape I feel like a complete failure. What my father thinks and has said about me is coming true and I don't know how much more I can take before I completely break down. Its been a long 22 years and I'm not even close to where I wish and should be. I stay up at night wondering what I should do with school and life in general. All I know is that my ex is the only person I can openly talk to about my problems without having to much judgement. Though sometimes even with him I can't say what I really feel or think. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin and when I tell people I'm insecure of course I get the " I don't see why you're cute" or "You are so thin and young you have nothing to be self conscious about". We forget that building self confidence is more difficult than destroying it. It's harder to believe that you are beautiful on the outside as well on the inside when women are made to believe that being a size 0 is beautiful or that being muscular and in shape is gorgeous. We have programed ourselves to believe that what ever the trend may be that is what we need to do in order to beautiful. Rarely do you find a person with self confidence that is true, and by that I mean they don't put themselves down in private, they don't make jokes about being a piece of shit or have to tell the world how awesome they are. That is not confidence that is just hoping that if you say it enough times you will one day believe it. I haven't found a way to love myself or even like myself and maybe I won't maybe I should just be content with not trying to harm myself.

Chemical Imbalance

I don't expect to have people read this, much less be taken seriously as a blogger. I'm just a girl in her twenties trying to figure out who she is and what she wants. Taking medication for clinical depression and general anxiety. Going to therapy every other week to realize that I don't have control over everything, and that the things I desire the most may never happen. I'm just a twenty something year old who can't write for shit, who can't seem to make friends or much less date. I'm awkward and I see the world differently. There is an innocence about me that I wish to keep forever. There's this idea that I can fix my dysfunctional family, that maybe just maybe I can be the glue that brings them back together. I was hoping to be loved enough by my parents and siblings that they would put their differences aside and make an effort for me. Selfish I know but I feel that may be the only selfish thing I have ever really wanted. I'm going through some changes in my life right now. I'm living with my father who quiet possibly has borderline personality disorder, I'm trying to create a relationship in which I can be open and speak to him without fear. I am trying to create something out of nothing. I want a relationship with someone who doesn't necessarily want one with me. I want what I can't have. Every day that passes by I realize I can not help him, I can not build a relationship where there is no foundation to begin with. I realize I need to let go of that childish dream that my family could be one instead of two. With every visit to my psychiatrist and therapist I can't help but feel this sense of guilt that my life isn't as horrible as I make it seem, that there are people out there who have it far worse than I, and maybe that's the clinical depression or maybe that's the truth. I just know one thing for sure I am no where near as strong as my siblings. I am the weakest of the family. I have the unfortunate curse to be just like my mother. I'm not saying she's not a wonderful person, she's selfless and caring, but we both take it to another level, we have no regard for what makes us happy. We only care about those around us. We care and worry to much about other people. We have problems that cripple us and that our family doesn't seem to believe are real. She listens to all of my problems while I listen to all of her frustrations. So I'm trying to take everything one day at a time, I'm trying to not worry so much about the future and I am trying so hard to be normal whatever that may be.