Chemical Imbalance

I don't expect to have people read this, much less be taken seriously as a blogger. I'm just a girl in her twenties trying to figure out who she is and what she wants. Taking medication for clinical depression and general anxiety. Going to therapy every other week to realize that I don't have control over everything, and that the things I desire the most may never happen. I'm just a twenty something year old who can't write for shit, who can't seem to make friends or much less date. I'm awkward and I see the world differently. There is an innocence about me that I wish to keep forever. There's this idea that I can fix my dysfunctional family, that maybe just maybe I can be the glue that brings them back together. I was hoping to be loved enough by my parents and siblings that they would put their differences aside and make an effort for me. Selfish I know but I feel that may be the only selfish thing I have ever really wanted. I'm going through some changes in my life right now. I'm living with my father who quiet possibly has borderline personality disorder, I'm trying to create a relationship in which I can be open and speak to him without fear. I am trying to create something out of nothing. I want a relationship with someone who doesn't necessarily want one with me. I want what I can't have. Every day that passes by I realize I can not help him, I can not build a relationship where there is no foundation to begin with. I realize I need to let go of that childish dream that my family could be one instead of two. With every visit to my psychiatrist and therapist I can't help but feel this sense of guilt that my life isn't as horrible as I make it seem, that there are people out there who have it far worse than I, and maybe that's the clinical depression or maybe that's the truth. I just know one thing for sure I am no where near as strong as my siblings. I am the weakest of the family. I have the unfortunate curse to be just like my mother. I'm not saying she's not a wonderful person, she's selfless and caring, but we both take it to another level, we have no regard for what makes us happy. We only care about those around us. We care and worry to much about other people. We have problems that cripple us and that our family doesn't seem to believe are real. She listens to all of my problems while I listen to all of her frustrations. So I'm trying to take everything one day at a time, I'm trying to not worry so much about the future and I am trying so hard to be normal whatever that may be.