Drew

I have/had  a sweet and caring boyfriend. He's my best friend. Drew has been one of the closest friends I've ever had. We met our last year of high school in our English class. Its funny how things happen I don't think either one of us thought it would ever get this serious. Though we didn't start dating until after graduation a part of me wishes we would have waited longer. I'm not an easy person to be with I'm quiet difficult. I have this fear of commitment which can always be a problem and I'm not the most affectionate person. My lack of affection and fear of commitment will always be one of our biggest problems, because even though he knows I care,he wants to hear it and feel it. That is something I can't do. He's so understanding and patient I wonder what he is doing with a hot head like me. The first few months were wonderful there was probably no issues between us. We were happy, but I had already decided to move back to Indiana with my parents. Though at first we talked about just being friends and picking this up when I came back, the conversation quickly turned to him moving to Indiana. His decision to move was the last thing I wanted. I have a fear of commitment and the idea of a person following me was adding to my anxiety. He stopped going to school and got a job at a warehouse working crazy hours. If I didn't seen him often before it only got worse when he got the warehouse job. Working over nights and coming home only to sleep and go back to work didn't give us much time to see or talk. I got lonely and felt utterly rejected. Drew's way of making me feel better is buying me stuff or taking me out. On the weekends he didn't work it was eating out everyday and random shopping sprees, but it didn't take the feeling that I was in this alone. To this day I still feel in it alone. He's a great person very calm and patient but his lack of wanting to grow as a couple or even as a person drives me insane. We've been on and off for a while but since last September we haven't officially gotten back together. I like having my cake and being able to eat it too. I can't commit to one person or maybe I just can't commit to him because I feel he is better than I in most things. There isn't one thing he wouldn't do for me. I am first in his life and I will stay there as long as I'm around. Only I don't know if I could ever put him as first in my life. I've often said that in a relationship there is always one person who loves the other more. I don't think love is real, and maybe that makes me a bitter twenty something year old but I have a hard time believing in something I have never seen. Of course I know my siblings and mom love me, my dad's love is questionable, but love for a family member is different from a significant other. Maybe some of us are meant to be loved and other are meant to loved. I have four years to decided whether I will marry Drew and live my life with him without truly knowing in my heart whether I love him or just settling.