Random

I don't think my childhood was normal, but I also don't think it was all that strange. A little chaotic yes but not strange. I had an abusive alcoholic for a father and a spineless absent mother. I'm not an only child and thank God for that. Although my siblings have probably hated me at one point for being the only one to never get hit, I still consider them luckier than I. I'm my dads only daughter from this union, my siblings are from my mother previous lovers. I was never hit and I don't know why, but the verbal abuse has been more than enough to cripple me emotionally and mentally. Though this abuse didn't start until we moved to Indiana. I'm from California, and up until the autumn of 2004 everything was alright. That fall I started middle school in a town where everyone knew everyone and they had all gone to summer camp together. I was an outsider. The weird girl from California who knew no one. I've always been shy and my resting bitch face doesn't help. I had a small group of friends that I was able to maintain until the end of middle school and one best friend. To this day she was the closest and most distant friend I've ever had but that is for another day. My father never hit me but he did call me names and it didn't start to hurt until I went through puberty. It was a difficult time for me since I'd always been very self conscious of myself this only made it worse. His words will haunt me for ever and to this day I believe I am every one of those things. When my mother left my father in the summer of 2009 things only got worse. Every morning was the same shower, get dressed, watch the news, eat a little breakfast and patiently wait to get picked up. That ride to school always seemed longer than 15 minutes. That ride to school was hell. Getting screamed at because I didn't say good morning, for taking to long to walk down the stairs or for just existing. Being called a whore because I had a boyfriend and wore a little make up. Saying I'll end up just like my whore and piece of a shit sister. I was never going to amount to anything. I was nothing. Not every day was the same some days he was nice others he was crueler than usual. I never did know what exactly triggered these moments of hatred for me. What I do know is that this marriage has lasted to long. I moved away when I was almost 17. Best decision in my life. Sure I ruined my chances in getting into a four year college and being done with school this summer, but silly me thought my sanity was more important. Because regardless of moving out of my Dads house the three of us went to dinner every weekend and they still talked every day. My mother was planning on moving back in with my dad as soon as the apartment contract was over and that was the last thing I wanted. The summer of 2010 was one of the best ones that summer I moved in with my brother and to this day I don't think I made a mistake the good that came from those three years away out weighs everything else. I moved back to Indiana three years later and last year my mom left my dad again. Have things gotten better? No they haven't. Now my mom is leaving in August or September to California. I don't try and stop her and I won't because its what will make her happy and that is all I've ever wanted for her. I hope she finds the peace she needs and enjoy the happiness I'm sure my siblings and nephew will give her. For my father I just hope he finds some sort of peace for that anger he holds in his heart.