You kissed me, on your parents couch, so tenderly and yet so forcefully. My head was spinning and I'm not sure if it was because of the drinks we had just had or the attraction I felt for you. I met you in the most embarrassing  way. Blew you off for a few weeks and ran into you in public, at that point I had no reason to not see you. We went for drinks, something I never did, talked for hours, went back to your house but I was adamant on not sleeping with you. I was certain there would not be a second date, you and I made no sense. The alternative weird girl from high school going out with a flirtatious egotistic player ? We made no sense, and maybe we still don't. Our interest differ but we have similar qualities and sometimes the same way of thinking. I knew I could and probably would get screwed over but I was infatuated with you. Your confidence, your ambition, your soft side, your impulsiveness and you were yourself. I didn't feel pressured to do anything I didn't want to do, something I could honestly say I hadn't felt. It didn't take long for me to fall in love. It wasn't a fairytale love story and that's what I love the most, it was real, natural, and unforced. It just happened. I knew you were the person I wanted to struggle with, to succeed with, build with and simply spend my life with. You are the love of my life. You are the most insanely frustrating person, difficult to please and ill-tempered person, and yet I can't imagine my life without you, or more so I don't want to. Staying in this small town for the rest of my life doesn't seem so bad with you by my side. I found someone who doesn't disgust me, who I don't cringe when they show affection or no matter how mad I am at you I still want to be around you. The love I have for you is great and all consuming. It's been fast there is no doubt about that and it wont be easy but I've never been one for the easy route. I've never been so scared to lose someone, to give everything I have to that person, be selfless and simply enamored. Marriage, children and growing old with you is all I want, even when you're being a complete ass. Though I often wonder if all the arguments, the headaches and insecurities are worth it. I'm losing so much but am I gaining more? The rejection I've felt from my family is something I never thought I would feel, and now I wonder are you worth losing the relationship of my mother and the receiving the criticism of my family? There is no compromise just one extreme to another. I give you up and be okay with my family or stay and struggle to have a relationship with them.

Man Child

I'm writing to you knowing you won't read this, I know no one will read this and those who will it doesn't matter because you don't know who I am. Truth is I don't know who I am most of the time...am I the girl who enjoys alternative music and is into art, thinking about how I should have been born in another decade, or am I the girl who enjoys a good party and getting stoned, trying different drugs and drinking just a little too much. I don't know who I am, I've tried to be everything other people have wanted, the cool little sister, the educated younger girlfriend, the perfect child I've tried to juggle them all but none feel right. I may not be smart or pretty enough, I don't think I am enough for anyone else, and last night while laying in your bed I realized I'm not. I'm not trying to replace Ena or be better than her, she beautiful and there was something about her that attracted you to her for so long. But hearing the words come out of your mouth, it cut deeper than any of the self inflicted wounds I have given myself. The insecurities, feeling like I'm not good enough, feeling intimidated you reaffirmed those, in a moment I needed some sort of comfort you did exactly the opposite. I'm making excuses for how you made me feel knowing there are none to justify what you said. I'm wasting my time, I know damn well you and I would never work, I know my family would never accept you as they accepted Andrew. You have no goals and your life is here doing the same thing that everyone else in this boring town does. No skills and no desire to improve yourself, you're a thirty year old man with the maturity of a twenty one year old. I can't help but understand why she left, truth is that will probably be the same reason I go. I have a fear of commitment, insecurities and self esteem issues that no one can make better, they are part of who I am. I matured to fast and lack interest in the things you do. I don't know how to explain how unattractive you were this past weekend, you were absurdly drunk and that is something I can't deal with. Having an alcoholic boyfriend or whatever we were. I hung around because there was no one else or anything else to do. You require something I can't give you, this constant need for affirmation that I want you, when I really don't. I've known you since I was a teenager and maybe it was just this curiosity of wondering what would have been at that time that brought me around to you. You lack the ambition I look for, you find comfort in knowing where you are and that things will never change. I crave adventure and going towards the unknown even though the controlling part of me struggles with it. We began to drift apart, I had no sexual interest in you from the beginning which is surprising to me since that is a big part of the relationship, I blamed it on the medication knowing damn well it was you. You went away for the weekend, you came back hungover and still drinking after a weekend bender, sloppy and reeking of stale beer you tried to have sex when my body language said otherwise. You told me about the weekend and how you showed the boys your ex girlfriends naked pictures to everyone who would look. I was heart broken, how could someone do something so disgusting? Regardless of what she did, how she treated you, you should have been the bigger person. I realized I wanted nothing to do with you after that point, even our friendship is strained. You saw me at a bar with another guy and decided to "warn" me, but who was there to warn me about you? The new guy maybe a snake, or a wolf, he may be the biggest player and just be using me but he isn't hiding the things he's done, you were a snake in the grass, unsuspecting. I don't need to be warned about those who show who they are, it's the guys like you who gain someone's trust and the moment they feel betrayed lash out. Grow up Nathan, get your life together, because I promise you, between Ena and I, you've lost two of the best people you could have ever had.

To the boys I have slept with,

 To the boy who took my virginity, to the boy who helped me cheat, to the boy that distracted me from my life, to the boy who made me feel worthless, to the boy who cared to much, to the boy who lead me on, to the boy who filled the void, to the boy who reminds me how weak I am. I have slept with eight guys, but only two were actual relationships. I have used sex as an outlet to feel wanted, to distract myself from the chaos around me, to avoid all my feelings. Only one of the boys knows I don't feel a thing physically and emotionally. I don't get a sense of gratification from having intercourse nor do I feel emotionally connected. I see it as a normal everyday act, like riding a bike or going to work. I don't have to love you or even like you, you don't need to know my deepest darkest secrets or even my last name. I don't care if I will ever see you again or work with you the next day. It has no meaning to me, and maybe that's a problem. I lack the ability to find a special meaning in something that to me holds no value. I have made reckless decisions as to who I sleep with but feel no remorse or concern.

   To the boy who took my virginity, I don't regret losing it to you as you were probably my most selfless lover. I regret not having the same emotional connection you did, I regret not being able to say that I was in love or that I couldn't stay faithful to just you. I have twisted the pureness of your love to fit my twisted and ill ways. The mistakes I made while being together were all my fault, and though I placed blame on you you should've never accepted it being your fault. I am a manipulative, insecure, and confused person. I don't know a healthy relationship from a bad one, I don't know how to treat others let alone know how others should treat me. I use physical affection to numb the fact that I'm not happy with myself. I take beautiful things and twist them into something unrecognizable. I am damaged to a point that I don't believe I can be repaired, there are these wounds that I was hoping you would help heal but reality is I keep reopening them and hurting myself. I don't know how to stop I don't know if I even want to. I self sabotage every relationship I have, my family, friends and significant others, I tried so hard to keep you away from all of that and I failed. I don't think I could ever forgive myself for changing someone with a beautiful heart into someone cold and uncaring. I made you the unaffectionate person that you have become, I am the toxic spill in your ocean of a life. I made you go through things a person should never go through, worries about my suicidal tendencies, family problems, lashing out, self hate and unnecessary arguments. I made you question your self worth and even compromise the one thing I had vowed not to do, you stayed after I cheated. You've stayed through all the fights, depression, my indiscretions, you've been an amazing boyfriends and an even better friend. I will go the rest of my life trying to be that good of a person, because through all the fucked up fights, my insane thought process, and horrible personality you love me, and I have always and will always love you. I just don't know how to stop self sabotaging. I think back to that afternoon, you were so sweet and caring, trying to make me feel comfortable and trying not to hurt me. I was this fragile thing to you, you held me so delicately. I don't think I was ready, but it still happened, and I don't want to lie and say I didn't try to stop it.
   I often wonder if I had waited until I fell in love with you would that have changed the choices I've made? Would I only sleep with people I care about or feel deeply about, or would I still hold sex as something meaningless. I can't go back and change what happened, and even if I could I don' think I would, because although I may not be proud of the people I have slept it happened and I'm not ashamed of it. The amount of partners I've had doesn't matter, I am comfortable with my sexuality enough to not care what others who don't matter think. It's my family's, it's Andrew's, it's Nate's, it's the people I let matter whose opinion mean something.

I may have just hit a new low, aside from cheating while in a relationship, using people just to pass time and of course my favorite leading people on, I have done the one thing I didn't think I would, I am involved with a married man. Yes, I have somehow manage to take a good man who loves his girls and family and never once thought about betraying his marriage, betray it. It started as a simple work crush knowing damn well nothing would ever happen, or so I though. As luck would have it the feelings were mutual and rather than putting distance between us I wanted to get closer, I wanted to tempt him because of course I'm a horrible person. Slowly but surely little comments were being made, things that once seemed innocent had now felt like the biggest form of betrayal, now only for his wife and daughters but also for Drew. As much as I can complain about him, as difficult our situation is and now matter how much I can't stand the lack of planning  I still love him. I love him completely and that is something that may never go away, how could it if I feel utterly safe in his arms, I don't feel out of place, he is my home.  As much as I want to say that I won't continue to pursue the married man that is a lie because right now all I want is to feel wanted to feel like I matter to someone I want to feel like I have value. So is it wrong that I'm seeking attention from someone who shouldn't be giving me any? How wrong is it that he is getting a divorce, not because of me but because he's unhappy and I gave him a reason to believe he could be happy again. As much as I want to reciprocate feelings for him I find it difficult, how can I if I will never completely let go of Drew, that door will remain open until forever. I'm not saying I don't have feelings for the married man, I do, he's sweet and caring, and quiet possibly everything a woman would want in a man, so why am I finding excuses to not continue, why do I force myself not to feel, I'm keeping my distance and I don't know why. I mean I do know why I stay away, he's married, with two beautiful little girls who have done nothing wrong. I did think for a split second that there was some possibility for us, that by some crazy chain of events, we had a chance. Was I wrong? Completely. Was I hurt? Most definitely. Did I deserve it? Probably. I am in no way trying to justify my actions, I did wrong in getting physically involved but the kisses and the hugs weren't what hurt the most. It was getting to know me and taking an interest then disappearing. I have an awful fear of abandonment, and I knew the moment I closed the door to his car it was over. The storm that night wasn't the only thing causing damage.  

Waiting game

Dating is difficult, or it is when you have social anxiety and you're basically a hermit crab. I am both of those. I am a homebody, I find it extremely difficult to approach people or make friends. Have I always been this way? Yes as far as I can remember most of the friends I have made were because they approached me. Dating has been the same, I don't initiate and though it may sometimes seem like I am being flirtatious in reality I have no idea what I am doing. I was in a relationship for almost four years, four years of trying to build a relationship with someone that actually meant something. I told him most all of my secrets and my fears, but as I would soon find out I  give more than I receive. That has basically been the issue with most relationships I've had, that feeling of doing to much and not receiving enough. I made the dinner plans, I made the plans for the trips, I was the one who talked about the future. Andrew was just along for the ride it seemed, and after Andrew I admit I did not date any smarter than when I was in high school. I dated a co worker who turned out to be an alcoholic with deep rooted issues he never wanted to deal with. I took it upon myself to try and be the person he could turn to and for a while he did. Just as things seemed to come together for him I was no longer needed. The text messages stop, the calls no longer existed and our relationship was over. I spent a while thinking I had done something wrong, fixating on what I did to drive him away. Maybe I was to clingy or maybe I just wasn't enough. After Andrew decided to  move home and I stayed behind we tried the long distance thing but inevitably that came to an end. We decided that this year or what ever time we would be apart would be good for us to see other people and truly figure out if being with each other is what we want. I started dating a guy I met at the gym I go to, and the weirdest thing happen I connected with him. We had similar likes and dislikes, I could actually hold a conversation with him he had well thought out opinions and there was something about how affectionate he was that didn't make me uncomfortable. As fate would have it he was moving away at the beginning of summer and though there was interest I was content with how things were going to end. It was going to be this month or two of just "honeymoon" phase. This sweet summer fling, that I could look back and think that not all of my relationships were failures. I began to have a deep like for him, and I refuse to say that I loved him because through all of this I still love Andrew. As the weeks passed by the interest on his end began to diminish, I being one of those people who rarely connects or finds someone interesting, was still in this state of awe. I was smitten with him, he was different in ways I enjoyed. I took things slow or what I considered slow, I didn't sleep with him until about three weeks after we started talking, and though that may seem fast to some to me it was slow. It was awkward and different but I didn't feel insecure I didn't feel self conscious. I genuinely believed that he found me attractive, I though this would be a sweet "love". As I would find out that wasn't the case, the text messages stopped, the snapchats were no longer being responded to and the attempts to make plans fell through every time. I felt rejection in a way that wasn't really rejection, it was a loss of interest. I no longer held this sense of amazement, I was just another girl. Of course I still see him when I go to work out and its actually upsetting getting treated as if I'm just another person. But things changed and honestly I wish they hadn't, he walked up to me and made it seem as if nothing had happen. I know I shouldn't have given him the time of day I know I should have heard him out and walked away. But that isn't what happened I was desperate for attention and someone to be able to turn to so I stayed. Now as the weeks have gone by I regret my decision, and as each therapy session goes on I realize that I hold on to things that can't be. I force things to be that aren't meant to be. I give everything I have in every relationship because I can't handle the idea that maybe it was my fault. So now I have been in my head which is never a good place to be for me, thinking about if what I have with Drew is still love or just some sort of habit. Though  I believe that my feelings for Drew are sincere, I often find myself doubting whether his are for me. Have I just become a safety net for him? Does he even want me anymore as a significant other or just someone who will be there.Am I just someone he knows will always be there, I've waited for so long that I don't know if I should walk away because I think maybe I deserve better or just stay because I truly love him. The idea of a commitment is no longer what he wants, all I've ever felt like I've done is wait and now I have to wait even longer just because he feels like it. I don't know how much longer I can or even should wait, sometimes I wish he would see that I won't be here forever. I feel like I have no value in his life anymore, am I just dispensable.Why all of a sudden does the idea of commitment scare him, if you both want to be together what difference does the distance and time have to do with it.He's okay with how we are does that mean he's okay with an open relationship? Not having any actual commitment to me? I sometimes I want to pull away because I don't feel like I am loved or even desired anymore, I understand being selfish while going to school but after almost 5 years sometimes its just to much. I've waited for him to open up and to be who he is with me, I've waited for him to go to school, I've looked past the constant lies I don't know how much more I need to go through to get one thing. There should be no reason reason of him not wanting to commit if he truly does love me...so does that mean I should leave?

Empty Shell

Throughout my life I have always felt like I was beneath my siblings and cousins. I was the sister who had a father, but not just any father, I had the abusive, alcoholic, aggressive father that no one liked. As a child I was a daddy's girl, I followed him every where and though I had to watch and listen to every fight I still thought my dad was the best. I didn't understand my siblings dislike for my father, but I also didn't know that all the fights and aggression was not normal. My extended family didn't particularly care for my dad, and I often remember hearing my aunts or uncles tell my dad in a judgmental tone that I would be the worst of the bunch. I was suppose to be this uncontrollable, spoiled brat. I often look at myself and believe the worst  of myself, I try not to depend on my family because I have already had more help than my siblings have. I don't ask for much and usually I don't ask at all, my family is kept in the dark with my financial problems or just problems in general. This past December I caved and went to my doctor, I finally told someone that I had been depressed for what seemed like an eternity. The only people that knew were my boyfriend/ best friend and my mother. I chose not to tell my dad or my siblings for numerous reason, one being I didn't know how to actually explain what was going on with me. I didn't know how I was suppose to say that I felt hopeless and empty all the time, that I didn't know who I really was because I change who I am depending who I'm around. How do I explain to my family that I have suicidal thoughts most everyday/ I didn't know how or if I even wanted them to know. but that wasn't my choice. In a heated discussion with my dad my mother shouted at him that he was partly the reason why I struggled with depression and anxiety, she would also go on to inform my bothers and sister. I felt so vulnerable, I was incredibly uncomfortable and the more I tired to explain how I felt the more they tried putting words in my mouth. I often think it was a mistake to try and fix these issues, reality I'm more scared of not knowing who I will become  rather than always having that empty feeling. I know who I am when I am depressed or anxious, I try to block it and not affect me but I was silly enough to believe that maybe with treatment I would become someone I'd like. Truth is I don't like who I was but I despise who I am becoming. I feel empty, no sense of adventure or will to be friend anyone I still don't have self value and I still get anxious, I didn't realize how long it would take for me to be okay, now I just want to run back to who I used to be. I've lost whatever little control I felt like I had in my life, my relationship is falling apart, I start to think that maybe I don't want a relationship with my siblings not a close one at least. What do you do when you realize all you are doing now is just existing, when you no longer have a facade to put on. Right now I'm just going through the motions of what I probably should be doing, I've lost interest in everything I'm just an empty shell now and I don't think there is a way to come back from that.

Mirror

My insecurities prevent me from many things. I dislike how I look and at the same time I find that in the moments that I put effort in looking presentable I look cute. I've always felt awkward, I have the face of a 16/17 year old but mortified by what girls wear these days. To each their own of course, but I don't think I could walk around with my ass hanging out of my shorts or my midriff showing. I can't exactly say what has made me so self conscious about how I look but I know part of it has to be the relationship I've had with my dad. It has been rough to say the least. As a child I was so attached and such a daddy's girl that looking back it saddens me that we've grown so distant. At a time when a girls self esteem is at it's most fragile my father was not the kindest with his words. I believe what he says about me even though it may not be completely true I still do. What started as low self esteem might have escalated into some serious anxiety. I'm having panic attacks more often. I break down almost daily, I have no escape I feel like a complete failure. What my father thinks and has said about me is coming true and I don't know how much more I can take before I completely break down. Its been a long 22 years and I'm not even close to where I wish and should be. I stay up at night wondering what I should do with school and life in general. All I know is that my ex is the only person I can openly talk to about my problems without having to much judgement. Though sometimes even with him I can't say what I really feel or think. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin and when I tell people I'm insecure of course I get the " I don't see why you're cute" or "You are so thin and young you have nothing to be self conscious about". We forget that building self confidence is more difficult than destroying it. It's harder to believe that you are beautiful on the outside as well on the inside when women are made to believe that being a size 0 is beautiful or that being muscular and in shape is gorgeous. We have programed ourselves to believe that what ever the trend may be that is what we need to do in order to beautiful. Rarely do you find a person with self confidence that is true, and by that I mean they don't put themselves down in private, they don't make jokes about being a piece of shit or have to tell the world how awesome they are. That is not confidence that is just hoping that if you say it enough times you will one day believe it. I haven't found a way to love myself or even like myself and maybe I won't maybe I should just be content with not trying to harm myself.